Recipe For Chaos

Real Stories From The Chaotic Front

Paula’s Top ?? I Hate List (In No Particular Order)

I HATE …
TAKING THE PENCIL TEST TO SEE IF YOUR BREASTS ARE STILL PERKY ONLY TO DISCOVER YOU CAN NOW HOLD UP A BOX OF 64 CRAYONS. (FOR THOSE OF YOU NOT IN THE KNOW IF YOU CAN PLACE A PENCIL UNDER YOUR BREASTS AND IT FALLS …YOU’RE IN GOOD SHAPE.)
THE FIRST TIME YOU SIT IN THE TUB AND SEE THAT VERY FIRST BELLY ROLL.
CONVINCING YOURSELF DURING PREGNANCY THAT EVERYTHING YOU EAT IS FOR TWO AND IT’S ONLY BABY FAT, ONLY TO DISCOVER LATER THAT NEWBORN BABIES CAN’T WEIGH 30 POUNDS.
CONVINCING YOURSELF OF THE ABOVE FACT EACH TIME YOU ARE PREGNANT.
WHEN YOU SEE THOSE PREGNANCY STRETCH MARKS AFTER GIVING BIRTH ON THAT “BABY FAT” BELLY.
REALIZING THAT AFTER PREGNANCY THAT EVERY TIME YOU SNEEZE, COUGH, LAUGH TO HARD, EXERCISE..ECT….OTHER…”BAD THINGS HAPPEN.”
WHEN YOUR FRIENDS WHO HAVE ALREADY GIVEN BIRTH DON’T CLUE YOU INTO THIS WONDEROUS SIDE OF PREGNANCY FIRST.
WAKING UP TO THE REALIZATION THAT “OH MY GOD!! I AM OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE A CHILD THAT OLD.
FIGHTING WITH YOUR KIDS AND DISCOVERING MID-FIGHT THAT YOU ARE ACTING LIKE A SIBLING AND NOT A PARENT.
NOTICING THAT YOU SOMETIMES USE THE SAME PHRASES AS YOUR MOTHER.
YELLING AT YOUR KIDS IN FRONT OF SOMEONE LIKE YOUR FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS ONLY CAUSES YOUR CHILDREN TO ACT AS IF THEY’VE NEVER MET YOU. I.E. THEY IGNORE EVERY WORD YOU SAY.
NOT SHAVING YOUR LEGS BECAUSE THERE IS REALLY NO NEED (BECAUSE NO ONE WILL SEE THEM) TODAY…OR TOMORROW…OR EVER.
REALIZING THAT YOU NEVER GRAB THE SEXY GIRLY SOMEWHAT UNCOMFORTABLE UNDERWEAR AND OPT FOR THE COMFY COTTONS (OH LET’S FACE IT “GRANNY GEAR“ ) FOR THE SAME REASON LISTED ABOVE.
DISCOVERING THAT 40 IS TOO OLD FOR A LOT OF THINGS BUT APPARENTLY NOT THE OCCASIONAL ACNE BREAKOUT.
TRYING TO PUT ON EYELINER ONLY DISCOVERING THAT IF YOU DON’T PULL YOUR EYE LID TAUGHT..IT LOOKS MORE LIKE A STRIPE MID-EYE
BEING OLD ENOUGH TO WONDER WHEN YOU’VE MISSED YOUR PERIOD…NOT, AM I PREGNANT? BUT…IS IT MENOPAUSE?
BEING OLD ENOUGH FOR YEARLY BREAST EXAMS.
HAVING A TEENAGER AND TODDLERS AT THE SAME TIME.( ALL BOYS TO BOOT)
HAVING SAME TEENAGER ASKED IF HE IS THE PARENT WHEN PICKING UP SIBLINGS FROM SCHOOL.
HAVING TWO KIDS SO CLOSE TOGETHER THAT THEY ARE IN THE SAME GRADE.
HAVING A TEENAGER WHO MOSTLY HATES THE TODDLERS BECAUSE THE TODDLERS BELIEVE THEY ARE ALL THE SAME AGE AND SHARE THE SAME FRIENDS.
WONDERING IF YOU HAVE ANY FRIENDS OR IS IT WITH ALL THESE KIDS YOU JUST DON’T HAVE TIME FOR ANY.

CHILDREN HAVING NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU UNTIL YOU ARE ON THE PHONE, ENGROSSED IN A MOVIE, OR IN THE BATHROOM.

MAKING A NICE DINNER ONLY TO HEAR…CAN I HAVE A SANDWICH OR CEREAL INSTEAD?
THAT NOW WHEN YOUR CHILD IS SICK THE MEDICINE MAKES THEM HYPER INTEAD OF SLEEPY.
THAT CHILDRENS MEDICINE NO MATTER HOW TASTY THE BOX SAYS, IS NASTY AND GENERALLY TAKES AT LEAST THREE STRONG ADULTS WORKING IN TANDEM TO ADMINISTER. (ITS EASIER TO BATHE A CAT)
THAT WITH CHILDRENS MEDICINE THE MORE EXPENSIVE, LARGER OUTSIDE BOX CONTAINS THE SMALLEST NUMBER OF DOSES. (ARE YOU LISTINING TYLENOL? YOU, WITH YOUR FAKEOUT EYE DROPPER BOX!)
GETTING A CALL FROM THE SCHOOL AND KNOWING AUTOMATICLY THAT IT’S NOT GOOD.
HAVING TO AVOID EYE CONTACT WITH AFOREMENTIONED TEACHERS FOREVER IN THE FUTURE BECAUSE OF “THE INCIDENT”
CURSING THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE THREE MORE KIDS WHO WILL PROBABLY END UP IN HER CLASS.
TRYING TO BE THE COOL MOM AND REPEAT TO YOURSELF….THIS IS ONLY A PHASE….THIS IS ONLY A PHASE….THIS IS………………….
AAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
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October 13, 2008 Posted by | I Hate List | , , , , , , | 3 Comments